Showdown at Sonikk U Ranch
by Project Starvix
Summary: Shadow, Silver, and Sonic are a trio of wannabe outlaws with the Chaotix Posse, Sheriff Mephiles, and the famed Indian Punching Knuckles after them. But when they meet Amy Rose, who needs help saving her ranch from Eggman, can they step up and be heroes?
1. Finding the Twinkie Mother Load

**I got the idea for this story after reading a Mario and Sonic crossover western by SuperSaiyanSonic75, who gave me permission to do my own Sonic western. That crossover is a good story, you should read it. Disclaimer: I don't own Sonic characters. I do, however, own Maria the Dark Chao, Zombie the Mixed Breed Chao, and Checkers the Painted Chao.**

* * *

The sun blazed down without mercy on an arid desert somewhere out in Texas (Most good westerns take place in Texas). The heat from it's rays were intense. Only a moron would be riding out in the middle of this desert.

Three lone figures, saddled atop trusty Chao steeds wandered this lone prairie, where none but the buzzards could spy them and wonder what these three morons were doing out in the middle of a desert. (Don't even ask me how they can get on Chao. They just do. Go with it, alright?)

The one in front was, quite obviously, the surrogate leader of the trio. He was an ebony black hedgehog with red highlights streaking his quills. He wore gloves, a black cowboy hat, and a black leather vest. He wore two bright power rings as bracelets and his haunting crimson eyes were constantly searching. His name was Shadow the Hedgehog, the leader of the Hedgehog Gang.

His trusty mount, Maria, was a pitch black Dark Chao, without the customary red areas that most Dark Chaos posses. She didn't even have pupils, and the whites of her eyes, were actually the blacks of her eyes. The only break from the uniform blackness were her purple bat wings, which were commonly used for a saddle.

Behind and slightly to the left of Shadow, was a blue and peach colored hedgehog with emerald green eyes and a cheerful demeanor about him. His hat was a brown color, and he had a multi-colored vest that clashed sharply with his fur. (Have you ever seen the vest on the Veggie Tales show _The Ballad of Little Joe_? This one is even more tacky than that.) He had white gloves on and unlike Shadow, he seemed to be fixated on some far off point in the distance that he could never seem to reach. His name was Sonic the Hedgehog, the mouth of the Hedgehog gang, and the member who started many of their more…perilous and unnecessary adventures. (Or, if you ask his two comrades, "The idiot who got hyped up on root beer and mouthed off to that really big guy, who then tried to use our lower intestines for a jump rope.")

Sonic's Chao, Zombie, looked like, well…a mistake. Zombie was a mixture of all three Chao breeds, giving him the coloring and halo of a Hero Chao, the sharp teeth of a Dark Chao, and the body of a Neutral Chao. His eyes were a bloodshot yellow color, and he constantly stuck his tongue out and drooled whenever he wasn't moving. His wings were a lot like a dragonfly's, crooked and jagged.

The third member of the ragtag group was a white Hedgehog with yellow eyes, only not quite a sickening yellow as Sonic's…steed, for lack of a better word. (Disgusting, slovenly freak would be too quaint.) He had a white cowboy hat on and a denim blue jean jacket, and two yellow bangles around his arms. His name was Silver the Hedgehog, the team's trusty psychokinetic. Sonic has been known to ask him, "If you're psychic, what're tomorrow's winning lottery numbers?" to which Silver usually replies, "I _move_ stuff with my mind, I don't tell the future, stupid!" But he means that in the nicest possible way.

Silver's Chao, Checkers, was either purple with blue stripes or blue with purple stripes. All that is known about the matter is Sonic's direct quote, "There were some paint cans…and a paint brush…it was dark…I saw a Chao…I was bored…I _said_ I was sorry!" Also, the brush marks were not in the shape of a checker board, nor did this particular Chao have anything in common with checkers. Why Silver called him Checkers was a mystery, but I do know it had something to do with mounting up that dark night before the paint had dried.

The three were riding across this arid wasteland looking for whatever town might be nearby so they could rob it. It was extremely foolish to wander around a desert without a map trying to find a random town, but Sonic got bored easily and road maps made such doggone good paper airplanes.

So the trio was effectively lost out in the desert, hoping to find either a town with access to watered down root beer or a giant root beer keg, whichever they happened to find first. (You wouldn't expect them to drink from a water hole, do you, there are all sorts of germs in those things!)

By and by, Shadow pulled up, dismounted, and peered off into the distance. "Looks like a town," he said.

"Wow! Finding a little town out in the middle of the desert without a map, what're the odds of that?" Sonic asked, more out of a desire to hear his head rattle than with any need for answers.

Both of his comrades glared at him in a way that certainly would do nothing to promote international peace and happiness. Though it might start a war or two. Sonic, however, took no notice of anything except Zombie, who, since they'd stopped, had decided to amuse himself by blowing spit bubbles.

"C'mon," Shadow said, stepping into both his role as leader and a nice little surprise some wild coyote had 'made' for him. Absentmindedly scraping his foot off on a rock that was sitting there for no apparent reason, Shadow remounted Maria and started towards the town.

"What's the plan, Shads?" Sonic asked.

"We'll go in, get some supplies and another map that you are absolutely not to touch, and then rob them blind and high tail it out of there," Shadow informed him. "And don't call me 'Shads.'"

"You got it, Shads," Sonic said approvingly.

Shadow closed his eyes and counted to an unbelievably high number, then led the Hedgehog Gang into the town, which happened to be completely deserted, and had been for some time.

"Where is everybody?" Silver asked theoretically, looking around.

"Maybe they went for a walk?" Sonic suggested, but the glares the other two were giving him made him think that that must not be what happened.

Whatever had happened to the townspeople, they had certainly left in a hurry; they left all their stuff behind. The saloon was full to bursting with root beer, the general store had tons of supplies and a genuine paper airplane proof map, and best of all, the bank's safe was unguarded.

Though he really wasn't expecting much of value—why leave money in a deserted town?—Shadow decided to crack open the safe anyway, just in case. Using a Chaos Spear, he broke the hinges on the old safe and the door fell away and nearly landed on Sonic's foot. Luckily for Sonic, the blue blur was fast enough to get out of the way in time.

Just as Shadow had suspected, there was no money in the safe. There was, however, oodles and oodles off…

"Sweet!" Sonic cheered. "We found the Twinkie mother load!" Sonic rushed to the safe and grabbed entire handfuls of the tasty pastry, shoving it into his vest and in odd places in his quills where he could make the cake like snack stay put. Several off them ended up shoved into his mouth, until at last he was having trouble breathing because they were jammed in it so tightly.

Silver and Shadow looked at each other and decided to get out of there before Sonic gave himself a Twinkie-induced sugar high. Sonic grudgingly followed them, but not until he shoved the last of the Twinkies into his shoes for safe keeping.

Mounting up on their perspective Chao, Shadow studied the map he'd taken from the deserted store and found another, non-deserted town not far from where they were, with a nice stagecoach they could rob. The Hedgehog Gang rode out, unaware of the massive amounts of trouble they were now in, thanks to Sonic's recent Twinkie spree…

* * *

Not twenty minutes after the Hedgehog Gang had left, one of the most successful Posse-for-hire in all Texas was riding back to their base, a deserted town in the middle of the desert. The leader, Vector Crocodile, stopped just outside the town, feeling in his gut that something was wrong.

"Look, Vector," one of Vector's men, Espio Chameleon, said, nodding to the ground. "Fresh Chao tracks. And look, someone wearing trendy sneakers dismounted there."

"What idiot wears sneakers in a Western story?" Vector asked with disgust. "You're supposed to wear crocodile skinned boots!"

There was an awkward silence, then Espio cleared his throat and said, "OK, first of all, you're not supposed to know this is a story, and secondly, you do realize that _you_ are a crocodile, don't you?"

Vector digested this new and interesting piece of information, then his eyes widened and he ripped off his crocodile skinned boots, inspecting them closely. "Oh no!" he gasped. "Grandma! Speak to me!"

Espio closed his eyes and rubbed his head, which was starting to hurt. Meanwhile, Charmy Bee noticed another crucial piece of information.

"Look, guys!" the six-year-old said, pointing to the randomly placed rock that Shadow had used to clean his boots earlier. "Look at what they did to my pet rock! Are you OK, Spot?"

The rock didn't answer, because it's a rock, and rocks don't talk. Or move. Or breath. In fact, there really isn't much reason to own a pet rock, unless you like staring at a rock acting like a rock all day. (Rocks aren't very good at acting; so you'd have to be EXTREMELY bored to find this entertaining.)

Vector, Espio, and Charmy rode into their town and found that someone had drunk all their root beer, taken all the paper airplane proof maps, and worst off all, they'd stolen their prized Twinkie stash!

"Saddle up, boys!" Vector ordered upon seeing the state of his beloved Twinkies. "This is personal! We got us some outlaws to track down and hang! Nobody steals from the Chaotix Posse!"

"And we gotta get 'em for what they did to Spot, too, right?" Charmy asked hopefully.

"Charmy, there's some things that you need to know," Vector said gravelly. "One of which is that neither of us could care less about your stupid rock."

Charmy looked at Espio sadly, and the Chameleon shrugged and got on his own Chao. Charmy sniffled and climbed upon his, and the Chaotix Posse rode out to catch themselves some outlaws.

* * *

 **Yes, I will still continue my updates on Mephiles' Babysitting Nightmare, don't worry about that. I just wanted to try my hand at a non-baby story to see how I did at it, and once I got the idea for this, I had to do it. RR, please.**


	2. Robbing the Stagecoach

**Here's my second chapter up! Disclaimer: I don't own Sonic Characters, or the football team Cleveland Indians, although I gotta admit, Cleveland was really nice to have a team named Indians. It's almost as if they knew someone was going to come along who liked to talk about Cleveland. :)**

 **Claimer: I own Maria, Checkers, Zombie, Swindlin' Sam, and Chief Falling Rocks and his squaw.**

* * *

While the Chaotix Posse was just finding out the state of their beloved Twinkie Stash, the Hedgehog Gang had caught up with the stagecoach and were currently trying to rob it. Emphasis on 'trying.' The three were using a time honored method; that of using your bandana to cover your mouth so that your victims couldn't recognize them. It would have worked wonders if Sonic, in all his boneheaded thoughtfulness, hadn't monogrammed their names on their bandanas.

Shadow, his name displayed proudly in bold red letters on his midnight black bandana, had his water pistol aimed at the stagecoach driver so he didn't get any ideas. (Hey, this is a K RATED fiction, you freaks! Of course I'm not going to give them real guns! And if I gave them BB guns, they'd shoot their eye out. So water pistols it is.)

While he kept the driver covered, Silver, his white bandana showing a stunning golden all caps word stating 'Silver' on it, was making sure the passengers, four nuns from the order of Justice and Mercy, weren't going to play heroes.

That left Sonic, his blue bandana displaying the name Sonic in a peach colored tone, to rummage through the baggage to find anything stealable. "Barney!" the hedgehog called presently, holding up a bag of money.

"It's bingo, Sonic," Silver corrected.

Sonic looked at him blankly. "I thought Shadow told us no more gambling since that night in Reno…"

"What did I say about Reno?" Shadow snapped, not taking his eyes off of the driver.

"We aren't to mention it ever, not even after the end of always," Sonic and Silver quoted together.

"Good."

One of the nuns clasped her hands around her rosary, and pleaded with her captors, "Please, sirs, don't take that money. It's to be given to the Home for Starving and Neglected Orphans!"

There was a looong silence, then Silver shuffled nervously and cleared his throat. "Uh, Shadow? Maybe we shouldn't take the money."

Shadow risked taking his eyes off the driver for a fraction of a second, gawking at Silver. "What?"

"We can't steal money from starving and neglected orphans!" Silver insisted.

"Sure we can," Sonic said, although he sounded like he was trying to convince himself, rather than Silver. "We just gotta believe." His voice faltered for a moment, and he looked to Shadow for guidance. "Right?"

"Think of the starving and neglected orphans, guys!" Silver said, sounding disappointed that his comrades were still wondering if they should go through with this.

Another looooong silence passed, and Sonic sighed loudly. "Well…it really _does_ seem pretty low to steal from starving and neglected orphans, Shads," he finally admitted.

Shadow closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Fine," he finally conceded. "Is there anything on this stagecoach that _doesn't_ belong to the starving and neglected orphans?"

"I got a ragged old Injun blanket," a non-nun passenger spoke up.

"Who are you?" Shadow demanded.

"I am Swindlin' Sam, the world famous Injun swindler," the man said. "I go around and swindle Injuns out of their lifelong possessions for a Twinkie packet. Only thing is, I always eat one of the Twinkies without letting them know it."

There was one final loooong silence, then Silver spoke up with disgust. "That's absolutely pathetic. I say we take him for everything he's got."

Sonic nodded. "I don't feel guilty about robbing a swindler," he added.

"Good, so long as we can agree on something," Shadow said. "Sonic, grab everything Swindlin' Sam has that isn't stuck on."

"Does that include his shirt?" Sonic asked.

"Yes."

"What about his…"

"No, I don't think those would fit any of us."

"OK. Um, about his…"

"That's disgusting!"

"If you say so," Sonic grabbed Swindlin' Sam's shirt, shoes, hat, wallet, ragged old Injun blanket, and belt buckle, but left the thing that wouldn't fit any of them and also the one that was disgusting. Then the trio mounted up on their Chao and got ready to ride out.

"Hey, before you go, I swindled the blanket from the squaw of Chief Falling Rocks," Swindlin' Sam advised.

Shadow gave him a double take. "You mean the chief of the fierce Cleveland Indians tribe?"

"Yes. You probably should watch out for him."

Shadow nodded and tipped his hat slightly. "Thanks for the heads up. We'll watch for Falling Rocks."

Then the Hedgehog Gang rode off into the sunset, looking for other things that didn't belong to starving and neglected orphans for them to rob.

* * *

 _Meanwhile, at the Cleveland Indians' Tribe Headquarters…_

Chief Falling Rocks tried in vain to console his squaw, She Who Knits Ragged Old Blankets, as he waited for his greatest warrior to come to his teepee.

Finally, the buffalo skinned doorway was pulled back and the brave entered his chief's teepee. The brave was a bright red color, with dreadlocks and a crescent-shaped birthmark on his chest. His hands were gloved and had spikes on them. It was because of this that he had gained his name, Punching Knuckles.

"Punching Knuckles," the Indian chief said, motioning him to sit. "Bad thing has happened. Pale Faced swindler trade squaw's best blanket for Twinkie. But eat one Twinkie and not tell her. Dirty Pale Face trick. Squaw want blanket back. Me want you hunt down blanket and take scalps of dirty Pale Faces that got it."

Punching Knuckles nodded. "Understood," he said, "But why are you talking like that, Chief?"

"Great One told me Indians were supposed to talk like this," Falling Rocks said defensively.

"Well, it's stupid, and I'm not going to do it. I don't care what the authoress told you!"

Falling Rocks gasped. "You not supposed to know about Mighty Authoress! Go, and no more break fourth wall!"

"Whatever," Punching Knuckles left the Chief's teepee and dodged out of the way to avoid the Cleveland Indians' linebacker, who whooped like mad and yelled, "Cameos ROCK!"

As the linebacker ran out of sight, Punching Knuckles looked up and yelled, "You'd better be paying me for this, StarVix!"

"What Chief tell you about breaking fourth wall?" Falling Rock asked from inside his teepee.

Punching Knuckles threw his hands up in disgust and stomped off to find his Chao so he could go get the chief's squaw's ragged old blanket.

* * *

 **Come on, like you've never thought that the Cleveland Indians wouldn't make a good Indian tribe name. They certainly don't make a good football team. I did some research on 'em, and from what I gather, they haven't gone pro since right around 1931. RR, please.**

 **Project Starvix note: I'm not sure if it was intended, but I like to imagine Chief Falling Rock is Pachamac and his Squaw is Tikal. But meh. Oh, since you're reading this, be warned! In future chapters Starvix will let her dislike of Silver shine. I myself am not a Silver hater, so it bugs me a bit, but I'm not altering Starvix's works! Don't worry, I'll be putting more Silver hate warnings in the future.**


	3. Mephiles the Sheriff

**This chapter is dedicated to TheV3ng3ance, who suggested using Mephiles as a sheriff, of all things, and also for letting me use his/her original character, Grimshaw the Dark Chao, for Mephiles' Chao, AND for suggesting Mephiles' big water gun, which, frankly, is an awesome gun. So Disclaimer: I don't own Sonic or Grimshaw. TheV3ng3ance owns Grimshaw, and I am using him with permission.**

 **Claimer: I own Maria, Zombie, and Checkers.**

* * *

The Hedgehog Gang found themselves headed towards the little town of Nowheresville, where, unbeknownst to them, lived a person who would prove to be a greater foe to them then the Chaotix Posse and Punching Knuckles combined.

This new foe was currently in his sheriff office, swamped with newspaper reporters who honestly had no business in a little western town in the first place. But this was a scoop that was truly too good to miss.

For on this day, Mephiles the Dark had laid aside his life of crime and became the sheriff of Nowheresville, vowing to protect its people from the scum of the earth.

Mephiles was using his second form for this story, because I said so, meaning he had lime green eyes, no mouth, and was black with grayish-white highlights throughout his quills. He was wearing a black cowboy hat and a long black trench coat that came to his knees. Outside, his Dark Chao, Grimshaw, was tied at the local Chao Trough, quietly awaiting his rider's next use of him. Grimshaw was an all black Dark Chao, except that his eyes were blood red, he had small bones sticking out on his head like horns and his wings looked like jagged bone.

"Mr. Dark, do you have a statement for the press?" asked one highly annoying newspaper person.

"Yeah. Get out of my office or I'll…" Mephiles found himself unable to finish his statement, because this was a K rated fiction and I had been _very clear_ about what would happen to him if I had to raise the rating because of him. So he closed his mouth and said nothing.

"Mr. Dark, what made you change your ways?" asked another newsperson.

"StarVix said that if I was the mildly psychotic sheriff in her story, she'd never make me participate in another one of her baby stories again ever. Not even as a cameo," Mephiles explained.

There was a stunned silence, then the reporter cleared her throat and asked, "Um, are there any reasons that don't break the fourth wall?"

"None that I can think of, no," Mephiles admitted.

Suddenly, the bank alarm went off, and Mephiles jumped out into the street, effectively blocking the exit of a famed criminal, Manic the Hedgehog.

Mephiles quietly pulled back his trench coat, revealing his water gun: a one-of-a-kind, customized tank looking thing that looked like it weighed fifty plus pounds and that would release water with the force of a water hose. "I don't take kindly to criminals in my town," he said with a western drawl. "So I'm going to have to squirt you."

"Time!" The local undertaker, Tails, made a time-out signal with his hands and rushed over to Manic. "Hold this, will ya?" he asked, handing Manic a tape measurer and having him hold it at his head while Tails ran it down to his foot. Tails nodded, took some measurements, and tipped his undertaker hat to Manic.

"Be seeing you soon, pal," Tails said, disappearing back into his office.

"I don't get why Sleet and Dingo refused this cameo," Manic moaned.

* * *

 _Elsewhere…_

"Sleet, why didn't we take that other cameo?" asked Dingo, as he and Sleet awaited their own cameo appearance.

"Because, the cameo we got not only doesn't get us squirted, it'll help boost our fame level 150 percent!" Sleet said.

Suddenly, a costume designer peeped his head in the room and said, "Hey, sorry to tell you this, but your cameo was cut."

"WHAT?"

"Those are the breaks, pal."

* * *

 _Back to the story…_

Manic gulped and his hands hovered over his water pistol. "You won't get me, sheriff," he said. "I'm the fastest gun hereabouts."

"Is that so?" Mephiles seemed to smirk without a mouth and nodded. "Draw."

Manic's hand fell like lightning to his gun and it came up, the green hedgehog starting to pull the trigger at the exact time a stream of pitch black water shot out of Mephiles' gun, hitting him in the chest. The force of the water knocked the hedgehog to the ground.

Mephiles calmly opened the water chamber of his gun and poured in another packet of black dye as Manic looked up at him, heaving loudly.

"How…that's not fair!" Manic yelled. "That gun of yours obviously weighs fifty plus pounds, and you lifted it effortlessly with _one_ hand! That's impossible! And now I'll never get this black dye out of my fur!"

Mephiles quietly refilled his water tank and walked over to Manic, still holding the fifty-plus pound water gun with one hand. "No matter what role StarVix chooses to place me in," he drawled, breaking the fourth wall as he raised the gun and took aim again, "I'm still a bad guy. I cheat." And he pulled the trigger and drenched Manic.

When the water tank was empty, Mephiles blew on his barrel and walked back to his office, leaving Manic on the ground. "Show's over," he told the press. "Get out."

Eyeing his gun worriedly, the press quickly obeyed his orders. Mephiles nodded to himself for a job well done and headed over to the saloon.

* * *

It was at this time that the Hedgehog gang rode into town and moseyed on up to the saloon in order to get some root beer. the saloonkeeper hurriedly brought them their drinks, and the three sipped them while scoping out the town.

"What do you think?" Silver asked Shadow in a hushed tone, so that no one could hear them.

"Bank's virtually unguarded. Easy target," Shadow whispered back.

The saloonkeeper tapped Sonic on the shoulder, getting the hedgehog's attention. "That'll be fifty cents," he said, holding his hand out for the money.

Sonic blinked. "I don't have any money," he said, draining his root beer.

"You can't drink my root beer without paying for it," the saloonkeeper protested.

Sonic smirked at him. "I just did," he said. "What're you gonna do about it?"

"I'm gonna call the sheriff," the saloonkeeper said defiantly.

"Ooh, I'm scared," Sonic snickered. "What, he's gonna slap my wrist?"

"Sheriff! This guy won't pay!" The saloonkeeper told the Mephiles, who was sitting next to Sonic.

"I heard him," Mephiles said, turning his gaze on Sonic. Sonic's grin faltered as he realized that Mephiles looked creepy and had a really big gun.

"I don't take kindly to freeloaders," Mephiles said in an eerily quiet voice. "So I'm going to take you outside, and I'm going to shoot you."

Sonic laughed with relief, thinking that this was some sort of joke. His laugh was cut short as Mephiles punched him in the jaw, grabbed him by his Technicolor vest, and threw him out the door and into the street, walking out behind him.

Shadow and Silver were up and out the door in an instant. Outside, Sonic had stumbled to his feet as Mephiles stepped out, calmly pushing his trench coat back to get a better handle on his really big gun.

"Draw," he ordered Sonic.

Sonic looked at the gun and gulped nervously. "What would you like?" he asked. "I can make a little bunny rabbit, or…"

"I said, draw!" Mephiles snapped, and, in a lightning fast moment, he yanked his big, fifty-plus pound gun out of his holster with one hand and pulled the trigger.

Sonic gasped and closed his eyes, only to feel himself being pushed out of the way. Sonic let out a muffled, "Whoa!" as he lost his balance and fell flat on his face. Behind him, he distinctly heard Silver cry out in shock and Mephiles starting to draw in breath to speak. Then the Dark remembered my threat about what would happen if I had to raise the rating, and he merely said, "Missed."

Sonic, feeling woozy, turned and looked to see what had happened. He gasped yet again as he saw Silver laying to the side, his left arm clutched in his hand. His arm was completely died black.

"Silver!" Sonic cried.

Silver blinked, stared at his arm, and then gave Sonic a reassuring smile. "Nothing a little soap can't handle," he assured the worried blue hedgehog.

Mephiles reloaded his water gun and poured in another dye packet. "This time," he vowed, "I won't miss you, hedgehog."

"What's your problem?" Sonic asked, taking a gunfighter's pose and placing his hands just above his own water gun. "You're so totally cheating! There's no possible way you can hold that heavy water gun of yours with ONE hand!"

"As I said before," Mephiles said slyly, taking aim. "I'm a bad guy. I know how to cheat."

"Chaos Spear!"

A bright white beam of energy hit Mephiles' arm, knocking his water gun away from him. The sheriff twirled around to see Shadow, who was unholstering his own weapon and pointing it at Mephiles.

"Hey! StarVix clearly said no powers!" Mephiles yelled.

"I know," Shadow said calmly. "But you're not the only one who knows how to cheat."

Mephiles gave him a mean look and then turned and scrambled for his gun, but a stream of water caused him to pull up short. He looked up at Sonic, who had his water gun drawn. "I wouldn't, if I were you," he said simply.

Mephiles slowly backed away from his water gun, arms raised in the air. "Looks like I've been outmanned," he said calmly. "But you do realize I have a reputation to maintain. And that I'm gonna hunt you all down and shoot you right between the eyes."

Sonic smirked at him. "Yeah? You and what army?" he reached down to Mephiles' gun and grabbed it. "We'll be taking…uh…this…" he said, trying to pick up the gun. He couldn't, even when he used both hands and pulled with all his might. Finally he let go of the gun and shrugged. "We'll let you keep this as a show of good faith," he said simply, trying to maintain an air of dignity.

Shadow watched Mephiles as Sonic helped Silver get onto Checkers and then got up on Zombie. Once he was sure his gang was ready to go, Shadow took a running leap onto Maria and the three were gone before Mephiles could make it to his gun.

The sheriff muttered, "Mitsubishi Cadillac," which I had told him was OK for him to say, even though it was weird, and whistled for Grimshaw, who answered his master's call.

Mounting his Chao, Mephiles holstered his weapon and said, "Hiya!" kicking the Chao's sides with his heels, and the two started out on the Hedgehog Gang's trail.

* * *

 **There you go, Mephiles the Sheriff. Hope I got him the way you thought of him, TheV3ng3ance. Everyone, RR, please.**


	4. Curse You, SEGA Sonic!

**OK, here we are with a genuine plot! Special thanks to Th3V3ng3ance, who suggested having the robots run on steam, and to gh43, who came up with the idea for the SatAM tribe. (Curse you, SEGA Sonic!)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own SEGA Sonic or SatAM Sonic. Claimer: I own Zombie, Maria, Checkers, and all other OCs. Duh.**

* * *

Now that we know that there is a trio of wanna be outlaws with a bunch of guys out to kill them, we go halfway across the county to a quaint little Chao ranch called the Sonikk U ranch. This ranch, although unassuming, will be where the main plotline occurs, hence the name of the story.

Right now, the owner of the ranch, Amy Rose, was holding a water rifle (It's exactly what it sounds like it is) and warning the fiendish Eggman, to stay off of her land.

For his part, Eggman was sitting on his mechanical Chao, Omochao, who was silently Mitsubishi Cadillacin' my name from dawn till dusk as he struggled under the doctor's rather formidable weight.

Behind him was his steam powered robot henchmen, Metal Sonic, Metal Knuckles, and Shadow Android, on their own mechanized Chao, named Moe, Larry and Curly.

"Now, now, Miss Rose, no need for violence," Eggman said, popping a green lollypop in his mouth. "You know I'm going to get your land anyway in a few days because you don't have the money to pay the mortgage. Why not save yourself a lot of trouble?"

"You ain't got this land yet, Eggman," Amy spat. "And the only reason I don't have any money is because you and your no account gang of rustlers stole my Chao!"

Eggman took off his cowboy hat—which was the only costume change he and his party made for this story, as the robots couldn't pick out a vest they liked and Eggman's weight made a costume change out of my budget—and covered his chest with it, looking offended. "My dear lady, that accusation has never been proven," he said.

Amy rolled her eyes. She was wearing a red bonnet and her red dress had been lengthened to her ankles. She hefted her water rifle up and pointed it at Eggman. "Take one more step," she vowed, "And I'll soak you."

"In a few days, I get this ranch anyway," Eggman promised her. Then he turned to his gang. "Let's go, boys."

"How come I don't get a speaking part?" Metal Knuckles whined as the gang rode out of sight.

Amy watched them ride off and seemed to deflate visibly. Her water rifle was dropped and she suddenly looked tired. She slumped against the wall of her house and sighed heavily.

"Are they gone, Miss Amy?"

Amy turned to Cream, the only one of her ranch hands to stay on with her when Eggman showed up. Behind Cream was the only Chao Eggman hadn't stolen from them, Cheese. Cheese hadn't been taken because Eggman really didn't want to steal a Chao named Cheese. That would lead to thousands of cheese jokes and puns from his less-than-mature robot lackeys.

"They're gone," Amy said. "It's safe now."

Cream and Cheese appeared in the doorway, looking to where Eggman had rode off. Cream was dressed much like Amy, only her dress was a light blue color. "What are we going to do, Miss Amy?" she asked.

"I…I don't know, Cream," Amy admitted tearfully. "It would take a miracle to stop Eggman and save the ranch."

"Maybe we can pray for an angel to help us!" Cream said, her face lighting up with hope.

Amy smiled at Cream. "Yes, an angel would be most helpful."

* * *

" Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg…"

"Sonic, so help me, if you sing that stupid song one more time, I will personally shove your own water pistol down your throat!" Silver snapped. His arm had been bandaged and placed in a makeshift sling. He looked like he was in pain; though I do believe that it was more because of Sonic's singing than of Mephiles' water gun.

"Ok, I won't sing it again," Sonic promised. "Who wants to hear a medley of the best Weird Al has to offer?"

"NOOOOO!" Shadow and Silver yelled at the same time.

"You know, I really wish you guys would just come out and tell me how you feel sometimes," Sonic griped.

The three had left Nowheresville far behind and were riding through a mountain range perfect for ambushes. That's important to realize, because they got ambushed a second later.

Five members of the famed Freedom Fighter Tribe of Indians swarmed from the rocks, raising, well, rocks over their heads and ordering the trio to stop.

The Hedgehog Gang stopped and raised their arms, knowing that they were surrounded.

"I am Chief Sally Girl," said the leader, a squirrel. "These are my braves, Rotor Ooter…"

A walrus waved. "That's me."

"Cowardly Antoine."

"I thought we agreed my name was Suave Antoine!" Cowardly Antoine protested.

"Sugar Hog…"

A blue hedgehog that looked suspiciously like a smaller Sonic shrugged. "Sonic was taken. And Blue Blur was taken. Curse you, SEGA Sonic!" And he shook his fist at Sonic, who decided that he should probably not say his name around this bunch for reasons of health.

"And Bunnie Rabbot."

Bunnie shrugged. "StarVix thought my name was such a horribly bad pun that she couldn't bear to change it."

"And we are the Freedom Fighter Tribe of Indians. It's a bit long, so you can call us the SatAM Tribe for short," Chief Sally Girl finished her explanation.

"So, what is it you want?" Shadow asked.

"We're broke." Sugar Hog said. "Because since SEGA Sonic became popular and I had to change my name EVEN THOUGH I HAD IT FIRST no one would hire us. Curse you, SEGA Sonic!"

On top of his Chao, Sonic wondered if perhaps he shouldn't rethink his contract with SEGA.

"So we were wondering if you'd give us any money," Rotor Ooter finished.

"We don't have any money," Shadow said. "Because Silver wouldn't let us steal money from the starving and neglected orphans."

There was a silence, and Chief Sally Girl finally said, "You were thinking about stealing money from starving and neglected orphans?"

"That's pretty low," Cowardly Antoine said.

"Curse you, SEGA Sonic!" Sugar Hog yelled.

Sonic wondered if Nintendo would like another mascot. If their current one decided to lose about fifty pounds, they'd certainly have room for him.

Bunnie Rabbot frisked through their stuff. "They really don't have any money," she said. "Just a bunch of Twinkies and a ragged old Indian blanket."

"Twinkies!" Cowardly Antoine cheered.

"We like Twinkies," Rotor Ooter said eagerly.

"Curse you, SEGA Sonic!" agreed Sugar Hog.

"OK, give us the Twinkies," Chief Sally Girl ordered. Then, with their Twinkies in tow, the SatAM tribe rushed off.

As soon as they were out of sight, the Hedgehog Gang kicked their steeds and shot out of the canyon like a bullet out of a gun. Once they were reasonably certain that they wouldn't be ambushed, they slowed down.

"Whew," Silver said. "That was a close call, wasn't it, Sonic?"

"I've changed my name. Call me Bob," Sonic replied.

* * *

 **RR, Please.**


	5. Strange Weather We've Been Having

**Yes, I DO have a plot and everything will tie together in the end. In the meantime, enjoy the seemingly endless and random chaos that I have put up for your enjoyment. Disclaimer: I don't own Sonic characters, or Grimshaw. Claimer: I own Zombie, Maria, and Checkers.**

* * *

It was a hot, hot day. But then, most days in the desert are pretty hot. That's sort of why it's a desert, as opposed to a beach, although I suppose most people in the desert wouldn't mind being at the beach.

However, this particular desert was miles from the beach. It's in Texas, remember. A well known Texas-prayer is, "God, let it rain, not for me, cuz I've seen it, but for my six-year-old."

It was in this hot desert that the Hedgehog Gang rode, wondering where they were, because they had no map. What about the paper airplane proof map, you say? Well, there's no trees in the desert, which means no wood. And Sonic really, really, _really_ didn't want to use Chao droppings, and the maps were nearby, and he said he was sorry.

So, once again they are lost in the middle of a desert, and Shadow and Silver were imagining new and creative ways to injure Sonic. These ideas increased as the heat increased and their root beer got warm. (Who wants to drink warm root beer? Yuck.)

Sonic, for his own part, was covering himself with some sort of concoction in a small plastic bottle. "You want some suntan lotion, Silver? What with your albinoism, you really shouldn't be out in the sun like this."

Silver glared at him. "In the first place, I'm not albino. In the second place, albinoism isn't a word. And in the third place, that's not suntan lotion, it's that pink stuff you put on poison ivy rashes."

Sonic's eyes widened and he looked at the bottle closely. Then he looked down at his body, which was now a freaky pinkish color. "Oh," he said. "Want some generic itching cream, then?"

Silver looked at Sonic for a long time, then he shook his head. "You are such an idiot," he muttered.

For his own part, Shadow was showing an amazing amount of restraint, as well as an uncanny ability to ignore others. Instead, he looked off into the distance, now doubt imagining himself on a beach in Hawaii with a gorgeous supermodel who thinks he's the neatest thing since sliced bread. Or eating alone in a cheap diner that has flush toilets. Either one would pretty much be a paradise at this point.

It was this musing off into the distance that led Shadow to see the great big cloud in the distance. He pulled up and Maria stopped. Shadow peered into the cloud and his eyes widened. "Sandstorm!" he called, as the wind started to pick up.

"Sandstorm? Do they have sandstorms in Texas?" Sonic asked.

"Does it matter?" Silver yelled, as the massive sand cloud engulfed them.

* * *

Farther back along the trail, Mephiles the Sheriff had just entered the canyon territory of the SatAM tribe. He paused and inspected the trail of the Hedgehog Gang, which he noted had spent some time in an area that was perfect for ambushes, when the SatAM tribe ambushed him.

"Halt! I am Chief Sally Girl…"

That was as far as Chief Sally Girl got before Mephiles' really big gun was shooting her. She gave out a started cry and fell, as the rest of the SatAM tribe started panicking.

"Chief Sally Girl!" Rotor Ooter cried, running in a little circle.

"What'll we do?" Bunnie Rabbot cried, also running in a circle.

"Does anyone have a spare set of pants?" asked Cowardly Antoine, as he ran in his own little circle.

Only Sugar Hog held his ground. He shook his fist at Mephiles and yelled, "Curse you, SEGA Sonic!"

Mephiles shot him.

As the remaining members of the SatAM tribe ran off, Mephiles calmly ordered Grimshaw to giddy up and the two rode out of the canyon. A loud flash of lightning sounded and all of a sudden the Dark found himself sopping wet and trapped in a torrential downpour of rain.

Thinking many thoughts, first and foremost being the words, 'Mitsubishi Cadillac' Mephiles resigned himself to his fate and rode through the storm.

* * *

Farther back along the trail, the Chaotix Posse was just entering Nowheresville, which had been burned to the ground as all the criminals had heard Mephiles was gone and decided to get stuff while the getting was good. Amazingly, however, the saloon was still standing, and had even gotten a fresh coat of paint. Even if it was the same color as that generic pink itching cream that everyone hates.

The Chaotix Posse dismounted and walked into the saloon to get information and a round of root beers. Except for Charmy, who ordered Juicy Juice.

After the drinks arrived, Vector loudly proclaimed, "We're looking for some crooks who broke into our vault and stole our Twinkie stash!"

"And rubbed coyote droppings on my pet rock!" Charmy added.

"Charmy, I told you we don't care about your stupid rock," Vector reminded him.

Charmy's lower lip trembled and he looked over to Espio sadly. Espio shrugged and drank some root beer.

The bartender hmmed and thought for a second. "Well, there was a trio of hoodlums that had a bunch of Twinkies that came in here the other day. One of them drank root beer without paying for it. Then they beat the sheriff and rode out."

"You got a picture of these guys?" Espio asked.

The bartender nodded. "Yeah. The blue one left his wallet. Got a group photo inside."

He handed the photo to the Chaotix. It showed a group photo of Shadow, Sonic, and Silver, in that order. Silver was striking a dramatic pose, Shadow had his arms crossed and was standing slightly to the side, and Sonic had a big cheesy grin and was giving his two partners bunny ears.

"They called themselves the Hedgehog Gang," the bartender said, walking off.

Vector dropped the picture of the Hedgehog Gang on the counter, and Espio ran his katana through it. Then the Chaotix Posse walked out of the bar and into…

"A snowstorm?" Vector asked wonderingly.

"Yea!" Charmy cheered, making a snow angel.

A toothless termite walked into the bar and yelled, "I want the bar tender!" Which is a pun that you'll have to think about a little while in order to get, but even then it'd be only slightly amusing.

* * *

Even further back on the trail, Punching Knuckles had finally found the stage coach with Swindlin' Sam and the Nuns.

"Ain't we been robbed enough?" asked the driver. "What could you possibly want?"

"I want Chief Falling Rocks' squaw's ragged old Indian blanket back!" Punching Knuckles ordered, grabbing Swindlin' Sam and threatening him with his famous knuckles. "Give it here!"

"I can't!" Swindlin' Sam squeaked. "Three guys named Sonic, Shadow, and Silver robbed me blind and stole it!"

"Which way did they go?" Punching Knuckles demanded.

Pointing in the way the Hedgehog gang had gone, Swindlin' Sam whimpered, "They went that way! Just don't hit me!"

Punching Knuckles hit him anyway, just because he didn't like Injun swindlers. Then he turned and started off on the trail looking for the Hedgehog gang. Something heavy hit his head and knocked him off his Chao. He jumped up, ready to fight, and saw that it was…

"A dog?"

Another dog fell from the sky, then another, then a cat landed on Punching Knuckles' head and started to claw him. The Indian yelped and yanked the cat off. More cats and dogs rained down from the heavens.

"Raining cats and dogs," Punching Knuckles muttered, looking up at the shy. "Now the authoress is just being silly."

* * *

 **This chapter is dedicated to Flightgirl, who asked for a sandstorm then wondered if sandstorms even happened in Texas. RR, please.**


	6. Lost

**Yeah, you guys'll probably need to know that when I talk in my stories, it's bold letters, just like it is when I do my disclaimer stuff.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Sonic, Mario, or Wizard of Oz. Claimer: I own Zombie, Maria, Checkers, Swindlin' Sam, and all other original characters.**

 **Project Starvix Disclaimer: The Silver bashing begins! You have been warned!**

* * *

Sonic had found some shelter under a large rock that happened to be sitting out in the middle of the desert for no reason. He couldn't see two inches in front of his face, and didn't dare open his mouth for fear that sand would come rushing in. His silence was starting to worry Zombie; the Chao was beginning to wonder if he had the right rider or not.

Finally, however, the storm died down, much to both of their relief. Sonic, naturally, was relieved that it was over and he was still alive, and Zombie was relieved to find that he was carrying Sonic after all.

"Looks like we made it, huh, guys?" Sonic said, brushing sand out of his quills. There was no answer. Sonic swirled, thinking that maybe the wind had busted his eardrums, or something, and his eyes widened as he realized that Shadow and Silver weren't anywhere nearby!

"Oh no!" Sonic gasped, as he realized what this meant. "My partners are lost!"

Zombie gasped as well. Then he collapsed. Sonic blushed. "Oops, sorry about that buddy," he said, climbing off. Zombie took a deep breath and stood up, giving Sonic a goofy grin.

Looking directly to the reader, Sonic explained, "You gotta give them rest periods, or they just shut down."

Zombie looked at the reader, and, despite the fact that he wasn't supposed to be talking, added, "I TOLD him not to eat that last chili dog!"

* * *

Shadow had been picked up by the winds and thrown willy nilly, with absolutely no control over where he landed. It was all he could do to keep a grip on Maria as the sandstorm carted him off.

All of the sudden, the wind left as quickly as it came, and Shadow and his Chao suddenly realized that they were forty feet in the air with nothing holding them up.

The two looked at each other worriedly, then they screamed and started falling. Shadow landed with an oomph on some sort of soft thing, and Maria landed with an oomph on Shadow.

Shadow moaned and sat up, his eyes widening as he saw a pair of red and white stocking start curling up under him.

One of the Toads from the Mario series jumped up and yelled, "You killed the wicked Koopa of the West!"

Tons of other Toads jumped up and started singing, "Ding Dong, the Koopa's dead…"

Shadow stood up, brushed himself off, and said, "If you know what's good for you, you'll drop this line of thought this instant and get me back to Texas, StarVix."

"You want to go to Texas? Then you just gotta follow the Orange Stick Road," a Toad said.

"I mean it, StarVix," Shadow warned. "This is stupid and you know it."

 **Well, maybe, but you gotta admit that it's funny.**

"I won't tell you again," Shadow crossed his arms. "Don't forget, I know where you live."

 **But Shadow…**

"Do you _want_ that rumor about you and your fuzzy bunny pajamas to show up on the internet?"

 **Ob, fine! Party pooper.**

Two Paratroopas with monkey masks on swooped down and grabbed Shadow by the arms, carting him back to Texas.

"What the—hey, who are you?" Shadow demanded to know.

"We're the flying monkeys," admitted on Paratroopa.

"No you're not! You're flying Koopas with monkey masks on! Let go of me!" Shadow snapped, struggling to get away.

"OK," said the other Paratroopa agreeably, as they both let go. As Shadow was fifty thousand feet straight up, he started to fall again. Down, down, down he fell. Just when he thought he would be falling forever, he hit the ground.

Actually, he fell face first on a rock, but who's complaining?

Shadow woozily stood up and blinked as an air conditioned luxury cruise liner cut through the desert sand and stopped right in front of him. The plank thingy people walk to and from the boat extended and Maria stepped down, looking happy and well-fed. She waved as the boat moved off.

Shadow growled. "StarVix…"

 **Hey, that's what you get for threatening the authoress, dude.**

* * *

Of the three hedgehogs, Silver was no doubt faring the worst. He had practically been buried alive in the sand, and if Checkers hadn't taken that correspondence course in paper mache shovel making, he'd still be buried alive in the sand.

Now Silver was stumbling throughout the desert, holding his poor, exhausted Chao, feeling the sun burn down on his clear, albino skin…

"I'm not albino."

 **Whatever.**

Anyway, his canteen of root beer had been lost during the storm, and he was painfully aware of his burning, unquenchable thirst as the hot desert air seemed to suck the moisture right out of his body…

"What've you got against me, anyway?"

 **What the…OK, would you guys stop it! I'm trying to write a bestselling dramatical scene here! You're ruining everything!**

"Yeah, like they're really going to give you a bestseller for fan fiction."

 **I can dream, can't I?**

"Look, I've noticed a disturbing trend in your stories. In Babysitting Blues you freaking got me arrested for something Sonic did. In Metal Nanny you made me lactose intolerant, and _then_ you made me inhale a gallon of ice cream. And in Mephiles' Babysitting Nightmare you not only arrested me again, you made me subject to police brutality!"

 **What's your point?**

"Aren't you the least bit ASHAMED of yourself!"

 **No. But thanks for the free publicity.**

"You're welcome."

Now that we had that taken care of, the white hedgehog stumbled forward through the wilderness, his colored arm starting to throb painfully as a reminder of the hit he'd taken earlier…

"Oh, you had to bring _that_ up again."

 **Oh, good grief.**

"Why'd you get me shot to save Sonic, anyway? I don't even _like_ Sonic!"

 **Well, I do!**

"Is that why you never throw HIM in jail?"

 **As a matter of fact, it is.**

"What is your problem with me?"

 **You tried to kill Sonic.**

"It was a case of mistaken identity!"

 **So? You still tried.**

"Why don't you pick on Mephiles? He tried to kill Sonic, too."

 **Mephiles is cool. Besides, I gave him that fear of banjo music.**

"Yeah, your _really_ punishing him with that."

 **I sense sarcasm.**

Getting tired of the whole conversation, I determined that Silver was no longer able to keep going under the extremely harsh conditions he'd been placed in, and he collapsed unconscious on the ground.

"I hate you."

* * *

Meanwhile, Cream was riding her Chao, Cheese (The bad puns abound) around the Sonikk U Ranch, her heart increasingly saddened by the prospect that the ranch would be taken by the evil Eggman and his gang.

She sniffled quietly, rubbing her eyes to stop unshed tears, and turned to go. As she did, something off in the distance caught her eye.

Curious, she had Cheese walk over to the object, and her eyes widened as she saw an unconscious hedgehog lying on the ground, his exhausted Chao lying with him.

"Oh no! That poor person…" Cream gasped. "I'd better go get Miss Amy to help him."

* * *

 **There, you see, Silver? Sonic and Shadow are still lost in the desert and you're safe and sound in a nice, cool ranch. Happy now?**

"No."

 **Picky little…RR, please, everybody, while I go kill Silver.**


	7. Punching Knuckles Finds Sonic

**Chapter whatever number chapter this is is now officially up! Hooray! I continue to talk to my characters, I continue to be bold print. Disclaimer: You heard me.**

* * *

Sonic was still lost. He couldn't be more lost if he tried. Of course, even Sonic wasn't mentally challenged enough to actually _try_ to get himself lost. It just sort of happened.

But, whether by design or chance, Sonic was lost, and he and Zombie were having one heck of a time with it.

Sonic had gotten Zombie to turn into his laser form—meaning the Chao was green with orange eyes and the ability to have lasers coming out of his fingertips—and was using this ability to write his will in the sand. He decreed that Shadow should get his hat, Zombie should get his Chao (Which worked out well because Zombie _was_ his Chao), and Silver should get his 4,500 dollars worth of debt. (Hey, he had to give Silver SOMETHING, didn't he?)

Sonic was trying to get Zombie to hold still so he could shoot out his name correctly, when a red blur tackled him and knocked him to the ground.

The blur turned out to be Punching Knuckles, who had somehow caught up to Sonic first even though he had been last in line when we talked about him two chapters ago.

Sonic gave a barely audible squeak when the enraged Indian grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, lifted him off the ground, and yanked his face in close.

"Where. Is. That. Blanket?" Punching Knuckles snarled.

"What blanket?" Sonic asked.

Normally, Zombie would be defending Sonic right about now, but when Punching Knuckles tackled Sonic, the startled hedgehog dropped him headfirst into the sand. Zombie couldn't get his head unstuck, and therefore couldn't defend Sonic from the notorious Injun warrior.

"The blanket that Mitsubishi Cadillacin' Injun swindler took from my Chief's Squaw, which you stole from him!" Punching Knuckles slammed Sonic against the sand, which was a very unpleasant experience, in case you were wondering. "NOW GIVE IT BACK!"

He picked Sonic up and slammed him back on the sand again, and this time the cobalt blue hedgehog landed on his keys, which made it even more unpleasant.

"I don't have it!" Sonic squealed. Knuckles picked him back up again, but Sonic was not a proud hedgehog, and was certainly not above begging. "Don't throw me on the sand again!" Sonic pleaded. "Yes, we took it, but the SatAM tribe stole it from us! Along with my Twinkie collection."

Punching Knuckles paused and—gently—laid Sonic back on the sand again. "Where was this tribe?" he asked.

"They ambushed us in a canyon that was perfect for ambushes! And then we got separated in the sandstorm! And then you showed up and started pounding me! That's the truth; I swear!"

Punching Knuckles' eyes narrowed as he debated whether he should trust Sonic. Then he grabbed a rope that he conveniently happened to have with him and tied Sonic's hands behind his back. Then, he tied the other end of the rope to his Chao's saddle.

"What are you doing?" Sonic asked, slightly panicked.

"We're going to this tribe you tell me of. For your sake, you'd better be telling the truth," Punching Knuckles warned. Sonic gulped nervously as Knuckles led him off.

* * *

Meanwhile, Zombie finally managed to get his head unstuck, only to find his beloved Sonic nowhere to be found! Zombie turned crimson red; his eyes turned white as snow, and he howled in a chilling manner that would make a banshee shiver with terror. Then he took off, looking for his owner and silently vowing vengeance to whomever took him away.

* * *

Shadow the Hedgehog and Maria were stumbling through the desert when Shadow saw a mirage. The mirage looked like a run down Chao ranch with no Chao, and a pretty pink hedgehog girl with a rifle was looking at him expectantly.

Shadow wondered why his weird imagination wouldn't let him see a mirage of a shady oasis like everyone else.

Also, unlike other mirages, his didn't seem to fade the closer he got. Instead, it simply got bigger. And the pink hedgehog girl mirage raised her water rifle mirage.

"You come any closer an' I'll shoot!" She warned. "I dun told your no-account boss that he ain't got my ranch yet, and he ain't a-getting it without a fight!"

Shadow had never heard of mirages talking before. He beginning to wonder if this really was one when he saw something appear in the window and shockingly, a Silver mirage appeared next to the girl one, and he yanked away her mirage water rifle.

"Don't shoot!" Silver cried. "That's my friend out there!"

"Silver?" Shadow asked, blinking slowly. He was too exhausted and thirsty to really get anything that was happening around him. Silver ran off the porch, jumped over a low fence, and was at his side in an instant, grabbing his arm and therefore proving that this was no mirage.

Shadow stared incomprehensibly at Silver's arm for a good long while, and then he decided that now would be a good time to pass out. So he did.

* * *

Passing out seemed to be all the rage with the Hedgehog Gang these days, but it was a fad that Sonic didn't seem to be getting in on. Punching Knuckles had pretty much dragged him all the way back to the canyon, which surprisingly, was about four feet away from where Sonic was panicking. (Sonic doesn't have a great sense of direction, ok? Get off of his back; like you haven't ever gotten lost before!

Sonic cleared his throat. "Thanks for sticking up for me."

 **Oh, good grief.**

From out over the horizon, Silver's voice spoke up, "Oh, so you defend him!"

 **What the…you're nowhere near here! Stop interrupting me!**

"I have to be within walking distance, because I WALKED to this stupid ranch over here!" Silver rebutted.

"Am I still unconscious?" Shadow asked.

 **Yes, you're unconscious! And you're far away because I say so! Now, go back to the story or I'll make you do the next chapter dressed in bunny suits! And quit talking to me! You're not supposed to know I exist!**

"But we can hear you," Sonic replied.

 **I. Don't. Care.**

ANYWAY, Punching Knuckles took Sonic back to the easily ambushed canyon and stopped at the place Sonic told him they'd been ambushed. There were signs of Mephiles' handiwork everywhere.

All of a sudden, they were ambushed by the SatAM tribe, because obviously, nobody really gets hurt with water guns. Chief Sally Girl had a big black splotch on her chest, and Sugar Hog had a big black splotch on his throat, but other than that (And a little laryngitis from Sugar Hog) they were completely fine.

"Halt! I am Chief Sally Girl…"

"Leader of the Freedom Fighter tribe, call us SatAM for short, yeah, yeah," Sonic rolled his eyes. "Tell Geronimo over there that you took the ragged old Injun blanket already!"

Chief Sally Girl frowned and looked at Punching Knuckles. Then she gasped. "Behold!" She told her following. "A warrior of the great Cleveland Indians tribe has graced us with his presence! Show respect to the warrior of the Cleveland Indians!"

As one, the SatAM tribe yelled, "Hut, hut, HIKE!" and mimed throwing a football. Punching Knuckles moaned at the bad pun and rubbed his forehead.

"Why hast thou deemed us worthy of your time, O great one?" Rotor Ooter asked.

"StarVix, is this really necessary?" Punching Knuckles asked, ignoring the question.

 **Yes. Play along, my little slave—I mean, character.**

"But the Cleveland Indians puns are _really_ bad," Punching Knuckles complained.

 **I LIKE them!**

"Whatever," Punching Knuckles sighed and turned back to the SatAM tribe. "Oh, corny and unoriginal tribe, I come seeking the stupid and over-rated ragged blanket my boneheaded chief with an unoriginal pun name, to take it back to him to be great amongst my boneheaded and unoriginal punny people."

 **I sense sarcasm. This isn't a good place for sarcasm.**

"You know what, you can take this fic and shove it!" Punching Knuckles screamed. A small rock bounced down the canyon and hit him on the head. "OW!"

 **Abandon all hope, all ye who mock the Authoress!**

"I like you, StarVix," Sonic said hastily. A box of chocolates fell out of the

sky and landed at his feet.

 **Thank you, Sonic. I like you too.**

Punching Knuckles rubbed his aching head and glared at Sonic, who was happily eating his chocolates. "Kiss up," he accused.

Meanwhile, the SatAM tribe brought Knuckles the blanket, which is cool, because now that I think about it, I don't think they actually took the ragged old Injun blanket.

"We didn't," Bunnie Rabbot said. "The hedgehogs dropped it when we mugged them…I mean…yeah, we mugged them."

 **Oh, ok then. As long as it all works out in the end.**

* * *

Shadow the Hedgehog moaned slightly and opened his eyes. The first thing he laid eyes on was the pink hedgehog, who was gently placing a cool wet rag on his forehead. Shadow slowly closed his eyes again and passed out. But, lest the readers get the wrong idea and think that I'm a ShadAmy fan, the last thing he thought before passing out was, _'Gosh, that's the ugliest girl I've ever seen in my life.'_

Of course, if you like ShadAmy, he might have been staring at the picture behind Amy, which proudly showed Baisly Shoshokper, whom none of us know but who had the singular honor of legally changing her name to The Ugliest Girl I've Ever Seen In My Life. Take your pick.


	8. Bad Guy's Plot Kinda Revealed

**And now it is time for the main evil villain scheme to come to light! Huzzah, that means I'm almost sorta maybe done soon! Disclaimer: If I own it, I own it. If I don't, I don't. And yes, I will not be done speaking in the story anytime soon. I'm really quite the little chatterbox.**

* * *

In a hideout much like other hideouts villains use, complete with a big neon sign above it reading, 'Bad Guy's Hideout,' Eggman was eagerly awaiting the arrival of his loyal minions, Metal Sonic, Metal Knuckles, and Shadow Android. They were long overdue, for some reason.

But finally, Metal Sonic stumbled in on his Chao, looking like he'd lost World War III. He was dragging Metal Knuckles and Shadow Android, who were arguing about something inconsequential, like do eggs prefer being eaten with bacon or ham.

"Well?" Eggman said, rubbing his hands together with anticipation. "Is she gone yet?"

"No," Metal Sonic said. "And it seems she has found help."

"What?" Eggman asked. "That's impossible! Who on earth would want to help a lost cause like that?"

"Here," Metal Sonic handed Eggman a digital camera, which rightfully shouldn't be invented yet but we'll use it anyway as it simplifies the plot.

Or it would have, if Eggman had any idea of how to use a digital camera.

After twenty minutes of watching Eggman trying to get the camera to work, Metal Sonic sighed, took it from him, pushed two buttons, and handed it back. The picture thingy now showed Silver the Hedgehog, who was brushing Checkers at the ranch house.

"He doesn't look so tough," Eggman mused.

"There's another black one, but he's unconscious and won't give us much trouble," Metal Sonic said.

"There's a blue one, too, but he won't show up until the climatic showdown," Metal Knuckles piped up. Shadow Android hit him across the back of his head.

"What did I tell you about revealing plot spoilers?" Shadow Android yelled.

"Well, sorry! I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!" Metal Knuckles said defensively.

Ignoring them both, Metal Sonic said, "We will need to work fast and take the white hedgehog by surprise. Then we will have the ranch with little trouble."

Eggman nodded thoughtfully. "Let's go see just what this hedgehog is made of," he ordered, turning to a terrified Omochao, ready to ride to victory.

Omochao's eyes widened, and he whimpered, "If there is any good within you, StarVix, please let me be crushed instantly when he sits on me and so end my suffering! Have mercy, I beg you!"

However, I have no mercy in me for Omochao; for his hints in the game were pointless, frustrating, and his voice is annoying. So he was not destroyed when Eggman sat down. Which meant he once again had to carry the big tub o' lard across the desert and to the Ranch.

"Hey! That's not very nice!" Eggman pouted.

 **I tell it like it is.**

"And I suppose you're proud about _your_ weight?" Eggman asked peevishly. "That you're happy that the last time you stood on a scale you weighed in at—"

 **IF YOU TELL MY WEIGHT OVER THE INTERNET, YOU SHALL** _ **BURN!**_

Thoroughly cowed, Eggman muttered a hasty apology and went back to the plot. And though some of the male readers of this story shall not understand what transpired, I will give you all a hint for your future: NEVER try to tell a woman's weight to others, ESPECIALLY not over the internet.

Now that we have that all sorted out, Eggman and his gang rode out to the Sonikk U ranch to have a chat with Silver the Hedgehog…

* * *

Silver was chopping wood, which as we all know is the proper thing for a cowboy to do if he is injured and rescued and allowed to stay at a run down ranch when there is no ranch guys around to help out. He lifted the ax in his hand again, then noticed that a gang was riding up.

Silver grabbed a towel and wiped his face. Then he grabbed his water gun and stood there, waiting for Eggman to come to him.

Eggman finally made it to him (It was slow going for Omochao, holding up all that extra weight) and looked him over, sizing him up.

"Boy," Eggman chuckled. "You've walked into a hornet's nest. I suggest you ride on out of here."

Silver cocked an eyebrow at the evil dude. "And if I don't?"

"Me an' the boy's 'll have to teach you some manners," Eggman replied, as the Metals and Shadow Android unholstered their weapons and aimed it at him. "Now, we don't want that, do we?"

"No," Silver admitted, using his psychokinetic abilities to rip the guns out of the bad guy's hands and turn them on their owners, like Magneto did in that scene on that X-Men movie, remember?

If you didn't watch that X-Men movie, I guess you'll just have to spend the rest of your life lying awake in bed at night wondering what it was exactly that Silver did, but oh, well. You'll get over it. It wasn't like you actually intended to sleep for the rest of your life, right?

"I suggest you ride back the way you came from, and leave these poor girls here alone," Silver said, as if he were talking to them over coffee at a diner somewhere.

Eggman's eyes glittered evilly. "You have _no_ idea what you've just got yourself into, boy," he warned. "But you will. Come on boys, let's get out of here."

Silver watched them go warily. Then he sighed with relief and went back to doing his work.

* * *

Meanwhile, Punching Knuckles had left Sonic lost in the middle of nowhere, since he'd found his blanket and decided he didn't need the hedgehog anymore. So now, Sonic was lost again, and didn't even have his loyal steed, Zombie, who was…

…Who was standing right next to him! What the daisy?

"Zombie!" Sonic cried, hugging the happy Chao eagerly. "How'd you get here?"

Zombie held up his hand, then drew an intricate art piece in the sand, detailing his adventures to Sonic. Sonic looked at it and his eyes widened, "Ohhh, so _that's_ how you did it huh?"

Zombie nodded an affirmative, as a rare wind came and blew his sand art away, so that none of us will ever know exactly how he did it. But I'm pretty sure it had something to do with a jump rope, a sea turtle, and a leprechaun with a bad haircut and a pair of tweezers.

Mounting his Chao once more, Sonic eagerly turned westward, looking for his friends. Too bad that his friends were all southeast of his location.

* * *

Eggman was at his secret, neon covered base again, sulking because Silver was cool and he was not.

"I thought you didn't like Silver!"

 **I like him better than you. You're a weirdo.**

"Humph!" Eggman retorted, musing again as he bit his lip, wondering what he could do now to beat Silver and take Amy's ranch.

Still brooding, Eggman yelled, "He MUST have a weakness!"

Metal Sonic cleared his throat and handed Eggman a video camera. (Again: I had the dilemma of using something that does not exist yet, or of making a big long complicated plot device to make up for it…and I'm lazy, so I went with the first one.)

Eggman stared at the video camera for a long time, thinking that if he stared at it long enough, everyone would think that he knew what he was doing. It didn't fool anybody except Charmy Bee, and as he's miles from here and isn't supposed to have any idea any of this is even happening, he doesn't count.

Metal Sonic sighed, took the camera, pushed the play button, and showed Silver the Hedgehog talking and laughing with Cream the Rabbit. Apparently, Silver had a soft spot for the little girl. She reminded him of his own daughter, who doesn't exist yet but whom he loves dearly. (Don't ask me who she is, because since she hasn't been born yet, I have no idea. As to how Silver knows that he'll have a daughter like Cream…yeah, he's a time traveler. Figure it out, Einstein.)

Eggman's evil eyes narrowed…well, evilly, as he saw this new development. Silver had a weak spot after all. Now all Eggman had to do was stab him in it.

But, since this was a K rated fiction and I had warned Eggman that the fate that awaited Mephiles should he raise the rating also applied to Eggman, he couldn't actually stab anything. So he decided to kidnap Cream instead.

It wasn't the same as stabbing, but it would do. _Especially_ if it meant avoiding the terrible vengeance I would wreck on whomever forced me to raise the rating.

* * *

 **RR, please, so I will be inspired and get the Cream kidnapping underway! BWAHAHAHAHA!**


	9. Dramatic Rescue?

**Almost done, now. I've only got one or two chapters left! Hurray for me! Disclaimer: Again, I don't own the things that I don't own.**

* * *

Metal Sonic, Shadow Android, and Metal Knuckles awaited the time when they could strike and kidnap the sweet little rabbit girl by the name of Cream.

I know, it's mean to kidnap the sweet little rabbit girl, but the plot has to advance somehow. So they were waiting for Cream, and sure enough, she came skipping outside for no apparent reason eagerly.

Even luckilyer…luckierest…even better, she skipped right next to them for no reason at all. In a second, Metal Sonic had grabbed her, stuffed her in a bag that said 'Hasenpfeffer,' which I'm told is a food item made with rabbit, and raced off before Cream could draw breath to scream.

Twenty minutes later, Amy and Silver were panicking and trying to find Cream. Shadow wasn't panicking and looking because 1. Shadow doesn't panic and 2. Shadow was still unconscious, making him pretty useless.

"I heard that!" Shadow yelled.

 **You are unconscious. Now be unconscious before I kick your head, forcing me to risk giving you a concussion and having to use a stunt double at the big epic showdown scene.**

"I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that now."

 **I'm the authoress! I can talk about anything I want! Now be unconscious!**

Shadow sighed heavily and resumed being unconscious.

Ahem, where was I? Oh, yes, Silver and Amy looking for Cream. Right.

Anyway, Silver was checking the east side of the ranch when a SWATbot with a TV in his belly (Again: It's easier to use technology and I'm lazy. Deal with it.) flew near him. The TV turned on, showing Eggman's face. Next to him, in a little cage, was…

"Cream!" Silver gasped.

"That's right, boy," Eggman sneered. "And if you ever want to see her again, you get on down to my secret lair. You've got until high noon, or the rabbit sleeps with the fishes tonight." Then he turned and looked directly at me.

"Was that family-friendly enough?" he asked.

 **Eh, I suppose so. Although next time, tone the sneer down a notch. It was a little too sinister. Wouldn't want to scare the kids, would we?**

Eggman said nothing.

 **I said, WE WOULDN'T WANT TO SCARE THE KIDS, WOULD WE YOU DOLT?**

"No!" Eggman shrieked. "We certainly wouldn't! Don't hurt me!" and he turned the TV off.

Silver glanced at his watched and gasped. "It's almost twelve now!" he cried. "How will I find the secret base in time?"

 **Ahem. Perhaps you could follow the glowing, neon arrows that state 'this way to secret base'.**

Silver looked up and, sure enough, several glowing neon arrows were pointing the way to the base. "That just might work!" he said eagerly.

Silver got to the base at exactly 11:59. This was one of Eggman's old hideouts, so he wasn't there at the time. Silver looked around and gasped as he saw Cream in a little cage, suspended by a chain that was slowly inching its way towards a pool of water with sharks swimming around it.

"Mr. Silver!" Cream cried. "Help me!"

"I'm coming, Cream!" Silver yelled, trying to get close enough to her to use his powers to stop the cage from falling. Yet even as he ran, time worked against him, as the noonday bell started to chime.

One. Two. Three.

Silver jumped over pit that was laying there for no apparent reason and continued his desperate race against the clock.

Four. Five. Six.

Silver's blood raced and he felt sick as Cream shrieked and her cage lowered another notch. He redoubled his effort to get to her in time. Seven. Eight. Nine.

"STOP COUNTING IT DOWN, DARN YOU!" Silver screamed.

 **Well, I have to build suspense somehow. It's my job.**

"Shut up! Just shut up! This is all your fault!"

Silver had almost made it. He just had to rush up a flight of stairs to get to Cream. His heart leapt at the thought that he had nearly made it; meanwhile the clock struck ten…eleven…

"AND WOULD YOU STOP WITH THE STUPID CLOCK! THERE IS NO CLOCK!"

Silver took a deep, ragged breath and threw himself forward, straining his psychokinetic abilities to their fullest, just barely managing to grab Cream's cage and deflect it to the side as the clock struck twelve; the cage hit him smack on the head, but not hard enough to do permanent damage.

"No, just hard enough to give me a concussion and a brain tumor," Silver snapped sarcastically.

 **Great! Just great! There goes my dramatic rescue as the clock strikes twelve! Thanks a lot you drama ruiners! The whole lot of you! How am I supposed to get anything done? I spend all this time and effort to write a deep, dramatic storyline but do I get it? NOOOO! What DO I get? THIRTY-ONE PAGES OF YOUR INCESSANT WHINING AND COMPLAINING! WHY DO ANY OF YOU LOSERS THINK THAT ANYBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS, ANYWAY? DOES ANYBODY CARE ABOUT ME AND MY NEEDS? NO THEY DO NOT! IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU MORONS, ISN'T IT? WELL, I'M SORRY I CAME ALONG AND RUINED YOUR PERFECT LITTLE WORLDS YOU NITWITS! YOU CAN ALL GO ROT IN A SEWER FOR ALL I CARE! I QUIT!**

There was an awkward silence as Silver wondered how he and Cream were going to get out of there without the authoress dictating their every action, and then Cream cleared her throat and spoke up.

"Miss StarVix? Please don't be mad. I'm sorry. We're all sorry, really. Please don't leave."

 **It's so hard trying to do this with these morons! I just want to go drown my sorrows in a fudge brownie and never bother with these stupid fan fictions ever again.**

"Oh, please don't quit, Miss StarVix. You have lots of people who like your writing. You can't let them down," Cream pleaded.

 **I don't care! I just want to mope.**

"Please, Miss StarVix? Please?" Cream asked, giving me big, cute, anime eyes.

 **Oh…ok. For you. Because you have big, cute, anime eyes. But Silver better not give me any more lip.**

"He won't. Isn't that right, Mr. Silver?" Cream turned her greatest weapon, the big, cute, anime eyes, on Silver, and he sighed.

"Fine," he conceded.

Now that I was done sulking and turned my attention back to the plot, Cream suddenly remembered a conversation she'd overheard from Eggman and his goons.

"Mr. Silver!" she gasped. "We have to get back to the ranch! I heard them say that kidnapping me was a distraction to get you away from the ranch! They're on their way to take it over right now!"

Silver said nothing, but he gave me a dirty look that I did not at all appreciate, and quickly raced out of the abandoned hideout, hoping he could make it back to the ranch in time.

"Is the chapter over?" Silver asked.

 **No. But this part of the chapter is.**

"In that case…" Silver took a deep breath and screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE GET STARTED WITH THAT TIME BIT AGAIN, STARVIX!"

* * *

Meanwhile, crimson red eyes fluttered open and Shadow the Hedgehog glanced around the room, wondering where he was. He was lying on a bed with a thin sheet wrapped around his legs. Disoriented, Shadow tried to stand to his feet, only the sheet grabbed his legs and he fell to the ground with a _plop_.

"Ow," Shadow muttered, reaching to the sheets and trying to disentangle himself.

"Oh, you're awake."

Shadow looked up to see a vaguely familiar pink hedgehog standing just inside the room's doorpost. The ebony hedgehog managed to rip off the sheet and stood up warily.

"Who are you?" he demanded to know.

"I'm Amy Rose," the pink hedgehog replied. "Your friend Silver has been helping to fix the ranch."

Shadow's eyes widened. "Silver's here?"

"He was," Amy replied. "He left a few minutes ago, to look for Cream."

Shadow wasn't sure why Silver would want cream, as the white hedgehog was allergic to dairy products. Nevertheless, Shadow shrugged and decided to go with it. "Ok," he said.

"HEDGEHOG!" yelled a voice from outside.

Amy's eyes widened in horror, and she rushed to the corner to grab a water rifle. "Oh, no!" she gasped.

"Get out here, hedgehog! Your friend is long gone, and it's time you followed him!"

Amy opened the door to the cabin they were in and yelled out of it, "You'll get this ranch over my dead body!"

"That can be arranged," the voice conceded. "I'm reasonable."

Shadow walked outside, staring down a fat, mustached man and his robot troop. "You heard the lady," he said in his 'look at me, I'm creepy' voice. "Go away."

Eggman, for that's who it was, paused for a second, as if wondering if Shadow was a threat. Then he sneered. "Look here, hedgehogs," he snapped. "I'm taking this ranch, and we outnumber you two to one. I'd pack my things and leave if I were you."

"Shads! I found you!"

Everyone turned to see who this new voice belonged too. Amazingly, Sonic the Hedgehog and Zombie were sitting there, looking none the worse for wear, Sonic wearing Mexican Sombrero and little miniature Canadian Flags were hanging from Zombie's wings.

"How did you get here?" Eggman asked.

"Well, we took a right turn in Mexico and went straight through Canada and here we are," Sonic said.

"What are you talking about? That makes no sense at all!" Eggman yelled.

"It doesn't?" Sonic asked.

"No, it doesn't!"

"Sure it doesn't" Sonic replied, his voice full of sarcasm.

"Look, Mr. Silver, we made it!"

"Cream, get inside the house."

Yet again, everyone turned around to see a concerned Silver escorting Cream into the house and out of the line of fire. In a few moments he emerged on the porch with Shadow. "I thought I told you yahoos to leave Amy and Cream alone," Silver snapped.

Eggman shrugged. "I never was a good listener."

"I knew I'd find you hedgehogs."

"Now what?" Eggman shrieked, as everyone turned _again_ to see Mephiles the Dark and Grimshaw.

Mephiles had his honkin' big water gun already in his hand.

"It's a good thing I decided to turn left at Mexico and go through Canada," Mephiles said, "Or I might have lost your trail. But I've finally caught up to you, and now I'm gonna make you pay for the humiliation you've caused me."

"Excuse me?"

Once again, everybody turned, and saw Cream sticking her head out of a window. "I have to go to the bathroom," she announced.

"Why the heck are you telling me this for?" Eggman yelled. "If you have to go, then go!"

Cream stuck out a pouty lip. "You're mean," she accused, disappearing.

"Now, are there any _more_ people showing up out of nowhere that we should know about?" Eggman asked.

 **Um…no, I think you're good.**

"We'll in that case…" Eggman unholstered his water gun. "Let's get on with it, shall we?"

And thus, everyone prepared for the Showdown at Sonikk U Ranch.


	10. Starvix Saves the Day!

**I'M DONE! Disclaimer: Done, done, done!**

* * *

Although they all appeared to be evenly matched at first, none of our heroes expected Eggman to laugh wickedly and whistle through his fingers. In a fraction of a second, thousands of SWATbots appeared out of nowhere, their weapons aimed at our heroes.

"Hey!" Silver yelped. "That's not fair, pitting us up against a thousand SWATbots, and Eggman's gang!"

"Hey, I'm here too, you know," Mephiles said, looking annoyed at having been forgotten.

"And Mephiles," Silver said obligingly. "You have to know that we can't beat them all by ourselves!"

 **You don't have to. I'm on your side. So don't worry about it; you guys just fight, and I'll take care of everything.**

Silver looked unconvinced. "Well…if you say so," he conceded, grabbing his water pistol, shooting a SWATbot, then grabbing its shorted-out hull with his mind and using it to pummel other SWATbots.

Shadow jumped into action right after him, Chaos controlling to the middle of the SWATbots and then using that one move that makes Chaos energy shoot from him in a wide circle. I forget what it's called, but it's AWESOME!

Sonic was still sort of wondering what this was all about, because he'd been lost in the desert and had missed most of the finer plot points that told everyone what was going on. Se he was totally unprepared for when Metal Sonic kicked his rocket boosters into gear and plowed into him.

Sonic tumbled head over heels and finally righted himself. Metal Sonic rushed him, and Sonic grabbed his arms, and the two started to wrestle with each other.

"I despise you," Metal Sonic snarled.

"I despise you more," Sonic rebutted.

"I loathe you!" Metal Sonic yelled.

Sonic's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "You _love_ me? EWW! Get away from me, you sicko!"

"I didn't say love I said loathe!" Metal Sonic snapped.

"You said love," Sonic contradicted.

"Loathe!"

"Love!"

"Loathe!"

"Love"

"Loathe, loathe, loathe!"

Unknown to Sonic, Mephiles had decided to use this distraction to his advantage, taking aim at Sonic's back and preparing to fire. Sonic didn't see him; but I, the Mighty Authoress, did.

With a few quick, deft stokes on my awesome weapon known as KEYBOARD, I opened a trans-dimensional portal available only to writers known as the Plot Hole. The black, swirling Plot Hole opened between Sonic and Mephiles; and a black duck in a space uniform stepped out. It was none other than the famed hero Duck Dodgers. (Or Daffy Duck, depending on who you asked.)

"Hey!" Dodgers yelled, pointing at Sonic and Metal Sonic accusingly. "You totally stole that joke from my show! I'll sick my lawyers on you!"

He never did get those lawyers; for at that moment Mephiles' shot hit him on the back of the head and he collapsed. Mephiles quickly started to refill his water gun for another shot.

Sonic had realized what had happened and he looked at me appreciatively. "Thanks, StarVix," he said.

 **No prob. I don't like Daffy Duck anyway.**

* * *

Silver was quickly being overrun. Because I don't really like Silver, I decided to let him sweat it out a little before I helped out. He grabbed three SWATbots with his mind, using them as battering rams, but he was surrounded and there was just no defeating all of his assailants. One of them managed to get close enough to grab his leg. Then, after a pause, it started swinging him over its head, slamming Silver's body on the ground in a painful way. But it was also highly amusing to those who weren't Silver.

"Ouch!" Silver yelped, as two other SWATbot's joined the first one, and the trio started a game of Monkey in the Middle, with Silver as the ball.

As SWATbots' hands are as sharp as knives, I'm sure it was a pretty unpleasant experience.

"OUCH!" Silver shrieked. "OW! Hey—OW—StarVix, shouldn't—EEK, that HURTS—you be—OH, DEAR LORD THE PAIN—on my—AAAAIIIIII!-side?"

 **Oh, I suppose so. But I still don't like you.**

I brought forth another Plot Hole and the Incredible Hulk stomped out, his beady eyes bent on havoc and destruction.

"HULK…." The Hulk grabbed the SWATbot that was currently holding Silver. "SMASH!" Then the behemoth slammed both the SWATbot and Silver on the ground and started stomping on them.

"OW!" Silver screamed. "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" he asked, after Hulk got bored and wandered off.

 **Well, you TOLD me to maul the SWATbot, didn't you?**

"But not when I'm still with it!"

 **Oh, picky, picky, picky!**

* * *

Shadow the Hedgehog refused to ask for help, even though he was barely able to keep up with his two opponents. You see, this wasn't like those action movies where one person attacks the hero and everybody else just sort of dances around like bozos until the last guy was taken care of, then one other person attacks. No, these guys were slightly more intelligent than movie star bad guys; they would all attack at once and with no warning.

Like now, for instance. Shadow was fighting off Shadow Android and Metal Knuckles at the same time, as well as taking out numerous SWATbots who would periodically rush him at inopportune moments. It looked something like this:

Chaos control Metal Knuckles, knocking him back. Grab Shadow Android and flip him over your head so that he's down for a few seconds. Grab your water pistol and shoot four SWATbots in rapid succession. Kick Metal Knuckles in the midsection. Dodge a blow from Shadow Android and jump over Metal Knuckles' leg sweep…repeat. Over and over and over…

One can only repeat so many times before getting absolutely sick of it. And Shadow was really, really hoping that I would just step in and help out without a request for help.

Too bad that's not my style.

So I just sat there and watched Shadow start to slip. I figured he'd either win, lose, or forget his stubborn pride and ask for help. And, as usual, I was right.

"Hey, StarVix," Shadow gasped, grabbing Metal Knuckles yet again and holding him in front of his body so Shadow Android would hit him instead of Shadow, "Could you give me a hand?"

 **Ask and you shall receive, O stubborn one.**

Another Plot Hole was opened, and Mr. Resetti from Animal Crossing bounded out.

"Hey you! I'm talking to you! You went and reset, didn't you? Didn't you? Yeah, I got you pegged. You're one of those people, aren't you, punk?"

"NOOOO!" Metal Knuckles shrieked and stumbled away from Shadow, as I knew he would. "It's my game! I paid for it! It's my right to reset!"

"What did I tell you about resettin'? This is a game. Games got rules. And this game has a rule that says 'No Resettin.' You know what happens when you do reset? I've got to get off my lazy bum and actually work for a living! I HATE THAT! AND I HATE YOU, LOSER BOY!"

"Let me be! Begone, resetting tormentor!" Metal Knuckles sobbed, curling into a fetal position as Resetti continued to chew him out.

Now that I had Metal Knuckles under control, it was time to take out Shadow Android. A few deft strokes on my KEYBOARD and yet another character emerged from the Plot Hole.

It looked like Shadow Android in drag and a wig. But it wasn't. It was worse. It was his mother, Shadowette Nagdroid.

"Wait!" Shadow Android cried. "I'm a machine! I don't have a mother!"

 **You do now.**

"There you are, you lazy bum!" Shadowette yelled, slapping Shadow Android upside the head with her metallic purse. "I knew I'd find you goofing off with your good for nothing friends instead of cleaning your room like I told you too!"

"Mom, I don't have a room!" Shadow Android insisted.

"You do now, and it's filthy! Now, don't talk back to me!" Shadowette grabbed Shadow Android's ear and tugged him off the battlefield so he could clean his room.

Now, I take out the SWATbots, like so…another few, quick strokes and one last character emerged from the Plot Hole.

"Autobots attack!" Optimus Prime ordered. No Autobots were needed; however, because just one look at him and all the SWATbots ran for the hills.

Now all the guys had to deal with was Eggman and Mephiles.

"You're forgetting something," Mephiles told me. "My time's up. I'm leaving now."

Everyone turned and looked at me for an explanation as Mephiles climbed atop Grimshaw and left without another word.

 **What? He's in a Union.**

"Oh," Everyone said, understanding. Now Eggman was on his own, but he wasn't beaten yet. Or so he thought.

"You haven't won yet!" Eggman vowed. "I will be back sometime when that blasted Authoress of yours is busy with another story, and then I'll—"

By now, the Authoress was both tired of listening to his tirade and insulted that he referred to her as 'blasted,' so she quickly typed in one more command on her mighty KEYBOARD.

The Plot Hole opened and out came…

"Hi! I'm the Easter Bunny! Do you have any eggs I could use to give to the snot-nosed brats this year?" the Easter Bunny asked. Then he spotted Eggman. "Oh, wow! A BIG egg!"

"I'm not a real—get away from me!" Eggman shrieked as the Easter Bunny chased him off.

"Soooo…now what?" Silver asked finally.

 **That's it. It's over.**

"That's it?" Shadow asked. "No love story, no guy gets the girl?"

 **Do you want to get the girl?**

"No…but I'm just surprised to find an authoress who doesn't have me get the girl," Shadow admitted.

 **I hate romance.**

At that moment, Sonic, wondering what there was to eat around there, rushed to the doorway, where he bumped into Amy Rose. The two stared at each other for the first time, eyes meeting each other as they seemingly connected deep into each other's souls, and Sonic knew what he had to say.

"Wow," he said, barely above a whisper. "That's gotta be the ugliest girl I've ever seen." Of course, that picture I mentioned earlier was in sight of the door, so do not lose hope, SonAmy lovers.

"Why you…" Amy grabbed her Piko Piko hammer and decked him, but I'm sure she meant it in the most loving way possible.

* * *

 _Meanwhile, thousands of miles from the Ranch…_

"I told you, we should have gone left at Mexico and straight through Canada," Vector told his tired comrades.

"You're the guy who tells us where to go," Espio reminded him.

"Doesn't matter. Are we still in Kansas?"

"No, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," Espio replied, as he noticed a large, mushroom covered castle looming in the distance. A man in a red cap with blue jean overalls appeared out from behind the bush.

"Hello!" he said eagerly. "I'm the Plumber of Oz! I can help you get home, as long as you're willing to go on a complicated journey with those guys over there."

He pointed to the left, where four figures stood. One was Luigi with a lion's mane wrapped around his head, one was Princess Daisy painted to look silver with an oil can on her head, one was Waluigi with straw sticking out of odd places in his shirt, and one was Yoshi with dog ears attached to his head.

The Chaotix Posse stared at them for a while, then Vector said, "What's in it for us?"

"I'll give you anything you want," the Plumber of Oz said enticingly.

"Can you get me a pet rock?" Charmy asked hopefully.

"No. Anything but that," the Plumber of Oz admitted. "I don't care about pet rocks."

Charmy started sobbing hopelessly, Vector started haggling on price, and Espio sighed.

"It's going to be one of those days," the Chameleon admitted to himself.

* * *

 **The End. Now go do something useful with your lives, instead of staring at your computer and reading worthless crap like this.**


End file.
